|How I'd like to think I look like lol|
*I apologize for the masochistic theme that will run throughout this blog post but bear with me, this gemini can no longer stand keeping these thoughts to herself*
1. The friends you make on the first day in school won't necessarily be your friends throughout the semester/year of education/the whole duration of your education (LOL)
I find that this is so important. Maybe it's because we are of the strawberry generation but often, we find that it is necessary to fit in, be cool and surround yourself with friends. But I have experienced that whole "the worst feeling is to feel lonely in a group of people" drama-esque dilemma and I realized, you don't have to limit your mindset. Stop thinking that the friends you make on the first day of school will always be your friends. Because let's face it - Friends do come and go (at least for me). Maybe I'm just bad at maintaining relationships but sometimes, when things don't work out anymore, you have to let it go. If you're one of the lucky ones who's always surrounded by reliable group of friends, I envy you.
But at the same time, I don't. Because while feeling lonely in the circle of "friends" I had, I realized how much more important it is for me to admit that I am okay with being alone. Ultimately, you will die alone. So why not train from now?
Plus, get out of your comfort zone. The only reason why I stuck to these group of people is because they were the first group of people I befriended and I got comfortable with that. I didn't want to take the risk of not having friends and didn't dare get out and make new relationships. Thank god for Liying, Carissa, Mavis, PeiQin, Dom, Wen Zhi and many more (you know who you are) who showed me that I don't have to stick to them anymore - there are others who care about me too. And for that, I am really thankful and eternally grateful towards them.
Maybe I'm just a sour wart (what?!) 'cause I am a lonely kid with personality issues and visual complexes BUT I am unapologetic about myself and that's all I have to say.
2. This too shall pass.
Now, inhale & repeat this with me: This too shall pass. Anxiety that stems from uncertainty can be really suffocating and all you'd want to do is break down and give up. BUT DON'T. Hold your head high and take it all in because no matter what happens, there's only 24 hours in a day and only so much can happen within that duration. Things will rot and dry out eventually and there is nothing you can do to speed up the process. Don't we all wish we had a remote or a cheat code just so we can fast-forward painful moments and land ourselves in an eternal clock of happiness?
BUT BAM. Reality strikes us square in our face and we realize we cannot do that. Instead all we can do is breathe, pull through and suck it up. Yes, suck it up. You have to go to school and face those people that you may not like as much as you used to because you have to be present for grades. Education is supposed to be an enriching process where you learn and gain awareness 'bout things that you're into but school - mingling with other humans who only know how to push away things they don't understand makes it so hard. Everyday I remind myself that no matter what, I have to be civil to these people because hey, we're all trying to graduate. We may not be friends (heck we won't even say hi! but at least we all have one common goal: that is to graduate) and that is okay! Cool, just tell me what to do and know what? I won't even bother giving you my input/opinion because I know all our only hear but never listen.
And this is really apparent because (pardon me for the rambling, I NEED TO GET THIS OUT) that one time we try to collaborate on a question, though I spoke up, none of my parts was actually taken into consideration. Wow, congrats guys for making me realize that I don't need to be there. So from now onwards, I'll be there just to please your eyes and prove to ya'll that I can attend meetings but I'll be your cute little puppet and agree to everything because hell, if I say anything I'd doubt any of you will listen.
But anyway, this too shall pass. A few more weeks, one more semester and off we go for individual internship - no need for group work no more.
3. You'll be fine on your own. PS: The library's great.
When I was in China, I was alone (literally) for majority of the trip. It was five weeks long and into the second week of the trip, they told me this, "We choose to be a five-member group." Which meant that I was out and I'd be floating around.
And in Shanghai, I actually went out alone. In a country where I cannot speak their language (well at least not fluently) or read their words (Mandarin that is, I am fine with English), I was wandering the streets alone.
And I survived. I made it. And I enjoyed it. I relished every moment of it because at that time, I proved to myself that I don't need anyone to be okay. My safety was one of my concerns but it wasn't my main concern - I was fine alone. Emotionally, mentally, I never found myself so… drama free? Once I started to eliminate these toxic people (no they're not bad people, they're not actually toxic but they were painful even to look at during those days because I was hurt and when girls are hurt their words are like knives but so are mine so okay fair), I am okay. I stopped following them on SNS, stop talking about them and slowly but surely, there are out of my head and eventually (I hope), My life.
Although I can't avoid them in school because unfortunately for them, I have to hoard their group which could ruin the teamwork and what not but hey, the best I can do is be civil towards them and pray nothing bad comes out of it.
Plus, I stayed in the library for a good 6 hours because I had a morning class and night practice and it was great! Surrounded by books and magazines with my ears plugged in - who knew I'd rekindle my love for print like this.
4. You're going to be okay.
Get sick, miss school. Come back and hand in your M/C. Don't care what others have to say. You do you and let them do them. As long as you're happy and you're not causing trouble to others - you'll do fine.
You will get through this. Breathe. Breathe.
You will be okay.